So, I decided...what the hell. I miss my family. I miss taking vacations and having fun. So that's what I did this weekend.
Now, regarding my nutrition:
I was doing ok last week when I packed for the cabin trip. I brought fruit and trail mix with me, some popcorn and gluten free crackers. I'm not so much concerned with scrutinizing my nutrition on vacations and weekends, but I AM concerned about my consumption of wheat, especially when traveling.
For those of you with food allergies, you can probably relate. It's easy enough for me to avoid wheat when I am on a schedule and a routine. If I have my meals ready go to, bring my lunch to work, and even when I eat out at restaurants, I'm usually just fine. Avoiding wheat isn't actually all that hard once you know what to look for.
What kills me, however, is being trapped in a small cabin with folks who are very lovely people, but don't understand my allergy. Now, let me clarify: I never expect random strangers to understand such things, but I do hope that my friends, family, and closer coworkers do understand. The most frustrating thing in the world is having to explain, over and over again, that I REALLY CAN'T have "just one brownie", because doing so will destroy my intestines. Yes, so will pasta. Yes, so will pizza. YES, SO WILL A DONUT. GOD DAMMIT WHAT DON'T YOU GET??? I get a little testy about it because I LOVE these foods and I miss them so much. What inevitably happens over a weekend like this is that I cave under the torture. I am surrounded by things I can't eat, constantly offered these things by people who don't understand that my refusal to eat them is NOT out of vanity or dieting...and finally, I give up. Screw it. I want a brownie. Sure. What the hell.
And that's exactly what happened. It started with a small piece of cake (I love cake). I figured that small indulgence wouldn't really set me back too far. Then I discovered that the peanuts I'd been snacking on that I thought were "safe" were covered in some sort of gluten coating. Then I had a piece of brownie. A pretzel. By this point my abdomen was starting to swell and I was starting to feel sluggish and really grumpy, mostly out of disappointment in myself but also feeling misunderstood. I know that gluten intolerance / celiac disease is a new concept for a lot of people but ugh. Do I EVER get sick of explaining it...over and over and over. I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of people don't really believe I have an allergy to wheat. I think they assume it's a choice, and something I'm doing to get out of eating junk food so that I can feel superior, or something. God, if they only knew. One remark I got this weekend that made me particularly irritated was: "well at least you get to stay skinny". Yes. I get to stay skinny. It's no work at all for me, it's just a breeze. The fact that I exercise regularly and force myself not to eat food that is JUST AS APPEALING to me as it is to everyone else has nothing to do with it. Comments like this make me so angry, but what can you do. People don't get it, and they probably never will. I can't let it get to me.
But I do. So after coming back from my cabin weekend, I had a series of work parties centered around, you guessed it, food. By this point I just didn't give a crap anymore. I figured if I was already going to feel crappy I might as well make it worthwhile. I know how bad this sounds on the surface, but if you have a food allergy, I'll bet you understand. You go so long without being able to eat the foods you love and then you end up getting sick for some silly reason - might as well go down with a piece of pizza.
So anyhow. I've just finished my last piece of cake from the work party. Work events are difficult also, but not so much as travel and vacations. I'll try to be better when I go away this weekend, if only because flying is absolutely miserable when I am coming off a gluten binge. Hopefully, I can clear some of that by the time I leave Thursday night (not likely).
In the meantime, I probably won't be able to cook until the following weekend: July 10th, although I do plan on making my grandparents some turkey stew to have around. I've got a hankering for it right now, too. Getting my grandmother to let me cook in her kitchen is something of a challenge, but I'll see if I can sell it.
I am not going to post my stats right now because I can't bear to step on a scale. It's just too discouraging. We'll resume soon enough, and I'll continue with regular menu updating in the meantime, so keep checking back. I'm still here, and I'm still working on it!
So far, the most significant and lasting behavior change of mine so far has been BREAKFAST. I eat breakfast every day now and I feel decidedly weird when I don't. Today was the first time I hadn't had breakfast in a long time.
So if you're out there, staring down a long weekend full of picnic food and BBQ festivities, dreading the food you'll eat that you think you shouldn't - I hear you. It sucks. I'm sorry. There are more of us out there than you might think, and realistically...once probably won't kill you. While you can't expect other people to understand the way you eat or the way you live, for that matter, realize that in trying to be healthy and trying to make positive changes in your own nutrition, you'll find yourself better off in the long run. Can they say the same? Probably not.
Everyone has their challenges. While I'm sitting here griping and whining about people's lack of understanding, everyone has some kind of issue like this to deal with. I'm not special. It just seems sometimes like everyone is watching you and making some kind of comment about what you're eating. Yeah, that's true, but they're doing it to everyone else, too. The larger person who is finally trying to diet or improve his or her health gets scrutinized "Diet huh? How long is it going to last this time?" The smaller person who is trying to eat healthfully or who might be recovering from an eating disorder, for all you know: "Come on, just EAT something for Chrissake!" The Jew or the Muslim who won't eat pork, the lactose intolerant person who has to pick the cheese off of everything, the vegan who has a moral issue with animal products. All of these people have perfectly valid reasons for eating the way they do and we should NOT make it our business to comment. Others will, however, and all we can do is step back and know that our reasons are our own.
Likewise, when people offer us food, they're being kind. We can always politely refuse, but we shouldn't project our lack of willpower onto them such that their courtesy is unappreciated or misinterpreted as careless. It's quite the opposite. Thinking about it that way makes me feel sort of ashamed of myself, which I suppose I deserve.
Tomorrow is another day.
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